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Blog Tour:

Living A Lie Series Box Set

Part One & Two

by M.L. Kacy

Aug 25^th ~ Sept  1^st

This is my no holds barred story, the truth in all its gory details. It’s certainly not a romance, although, it had its moments. 

My life didn’t turn out how I envisioned it, but looking back I can’t say I regret it either, and I’ll explain the reason, or reasons for that in my story.
It all went wrong when I was seventeen-years-old. However, it wasn’t all a picnic up to that point either. Well, nearly nineteen-years later and I can tell you, it’s true what they say, you learn by your mistakes, and boy, I made a lot of them.

I was pulled through the ringer, and left feeling lost, alone and confused. So much so, that I’m sucked deep into my own mind. Lost inside my own mind I became comfortable, it was a place that I could hide. The darkness inside my own mind became my respite, my shelter and a buffer from the devastation of my own broken dreams. I became trapped there as I searched in circles for answers, surviving but not living. I was torn up by guilt, and felt as though I was being punished for perceived faults. Confusion and turmoil became my only companions.

I needed to escape, to start living again, but did I have the strength to crawl out, and escape the void? Better yet, did I want to, because if I did, would I still recognise myself?

Travel with me through my earlier life. It may make you uncomfortable as I bluntly describe that time for you, but it’s a form of therapy for me. Whenever memories of my past become too much for me, I now have something to hold onto; my four children.

When the darkness becomes too much, thoughts of them pull me into the light. They were, and still are, my saving grace, my redemption of sorts.

**BE WARNED: Some descriptions are vivid and can be a trigger for sensitive readers.

**Graphic
**Sexual Content
**Language
**Suitable for ages 18 and over 

Available on Kindle Unlimited

Prologue

S

urrounded by darkness, loneliness and broken pieces of myself, I began to think how did I end up like this?

Growing up in my family was no hardship, as my brother and myself never went without. There were restrictions which I needed to live with, like a curfew; mine being earlier than my friends, something I always felt to be totally unfair. Other than that, life was good; I had no worries about anything.

Since Mum and Dad had split up it felt as though I was spiralling down in to a black abyss, with no direction. At fifteen years old, the choice of living with my father was made for me, along with my younger brother. 

I think, as with most children, I wanted to live with my mum, however, that wasn’t possible. My mum needed to sort herself out first; therefore, the best option at the time was for us to stay with Dad. To say that I wasn’t best pleased by their decision was an understatement.

I was at an age where I felt it was crucial that I be around her, my hormones were playing up, and my G.C.S.E’s were around the corner; that’s just to name a few. I’d gotten more freedom though, my curfew extended, but first I had to take care of my brother until dad got home.

There would be nights where he wouldn’t get in until eight pm. So, that caused friction between myself and my dad. We had a turbulent relationship, some would say it was because we were too much alike. I would say that there were other reasons for this; such as the way he drank every night when he came home from work.

There was this one time when I came home from school and found copies of the telephone bill cello taped to all the doors. Granted, the bill had been over three hundred pounds, but it had included calls to my mum’s mobile. 

Dad wasn’t best pleased with it, and went on to smash up the telephone, shouting that I was never to call my mum again. The thing he didn’t realise, or that he didn’t check, were calls to Canada, which my aunt had made. She was also living with us at the time.

I was upset by this, as the only way to contact my mum was on her mobile; she didn’t have a landline, and I missed her so much. After mum was told what dad had done, he was forced to buy another telephone. Dad had to understand that due to my age, and the changes I was going through- never mind not living with her, it was essential for my brother and myself to be able to call her.

This wasn’t the only instance that dad had gone off the deep end. His favourite tipple was whiskey, and it just sent him into rages, which were always aimed at me, never my brother. I began thinking that he didn’t like, nor love me, well, not as much as he did my brother.

My brother was six and a half years younger than me, and he always knew just how to get me into trouble. Many times, he would tell tales to achieve that goal. We would argue and fight, as siblings do, but I also knew that we loved each other fiercely.

About a year later, dad decided to move to Manchester with his new girlfriend; taking my brother with him. His relationship with her was questionable, as to when it started, as was the fact that she left her husband to live with him. She was also a lot younger than my dad, maybe in her late twenties; but I never did ask her age.

She was beautiful though, with long black silky hair that reached her bottom. She wore a perfume that was a sensual, jasmine scent. Her name was Lena, and she came from a very strict family who abided by their customs. Adultery and divorce were a sin, and exile from the family was used as a punishment. If a woman did those things, then they brought shame on the family.

I, on the other hand, was left to make my own decision as to whether I went with them. I used it as a chance to finally move in with mum. Looking at her options on where to live, mum bought a newly built house, which was about thirty miles from where we had previously lived.

The houses were cheaper, as they were close to the motorways, but we had the choice in what carpets and kitchen units we wanted installed. Also, the fact that no one had lived there before, was a definite selling point.

So, at seventeen, myself and mum moved into a modest two-bedroom house in Stevenage, Hertfordshire. Life was good with just her and myself. I would always have dinner ready for when she returned home from work, as she was always working late hours. I thought it would be nice, if she didn’t have to worry about cooking when she finally got in.

I was still attending sixth form at my school in Hoddesdon then. So, that entailed twice daily trips, on two trains to get me there and back again.

Winter was the worst time to be travelling in, as the mornings and evenings at the time were cold, dark, and windy. Travelling was not my best friend as I would have to catch my first train at six thirty in the morning, and I wouldn’t return home again until at least seven pm.

Weekends, were my favourite days of the week. Lazy lie in’s, and pyjama Sundays, where I spent the day watching television. The heating on during winter, made sure we were all snugly and warm. Those two days were pure bliss, as they didn’t involve smelly, dirty train journeys.

The travelling to school didn’t last long, as I got tired of the long days, and the fact that my school friends lived so far away from me; so much so, that one day I just decided not to go. This then turned, into weeks, then months, as I had no staying power. The subjects no longer interested me, and the cost of travelling was expensive. This soon became a pattern for me, one that I didn’t think I would change.

Mum had started seeing someone, and after they had lasted for a while, she decided to move in with him and his family. Therefore, it was time for yet another change for me. I was left living on my own in the house, well, until it sold anyway. As it was on the market, it also meant I had to keep it clean and tidy, and be there for when prospective buyers wanted to view.

The house market at the time was slow, and many buyers either wanted brand new houses; which were being built further up the road, or older houses that had more bedrooms.

Walking my mum to her car, she asked. “You sure that you are okay with all this?”

There was concern on her face, but my feelings on this matter could not be vocalised, I needed her to be sure that I was okay with all of this, when in actual fact, I felt a little abandoned. I mean, wasn’t it supposed to be myself leaving home, not my mum? I couldn’t hurt her feelings, after all she was my mum. Plus, by that time I should have been used to changes happening around me.

Looking at her, I could see that she was happy to be moving in with her boyfriend, James, and his two children, so there was no way I was going to impede on her happiness.

“I’m sure mum, I’ll be fine, I promise. This is the happiest I have seen you in such a long time.”

“Okay then sweetie, you know where I am if you ever need me.”

Getting into her black Fiat Uno; a car that she loved driving as she said that it was a nippy little thing, she started it up and reversed off the drive. Waving to her I stepped back into the house, embracing the quiet and emptiness of my home.

I think that was the time that things really began to change for me. I had to grow up and take control of my life. I enrolled in college, making a few new friends while I was there. For me, socialising had never been easy.

I hated to be put into new situations, which included meeting people I didn’t know, as it made me extremely anxious. Some would say that I was shy, which I was, well, to a point, but only until you’d gotten to know me. However, I did meet a young man by the name of Daniel, at that time.

Daniel was a year older than me, however, was funnily enough, my height. He had a piercing in his right eyebrow, and a shaved head, but his eyes were striking. They were a bright, piercing blue, the colour of a clear, summer day’s sky. He was gentle and caring, someone whom I could talk to whenever I had needed an ear to listen.

We had an arrangement, a friend with benefits of sorts. However, it was kept a secret, and I always felt that I wasn’t good enough for people to know about. The sex was good though, unfortunately, my feelings for him ran deeper than his did for me. Always the way for me from my experience, never the girlfriend, always the secret. I think if it had carried on I would have started to get a complex.

Therefore, it began. My life took a different direction to the one that I had planned for myself growing up. After Daniel left for university, the arrangement between us ended, and I myself, left college. Again, I didn’t have it in me to stay the distance and complete the course.

So, for me, it was now time to get a job. I needed to start earning some money, as there was no way I could just stay in the house day in and day out. I think I would have died of boredom if I had done that, believe it or not Jeremy Kyle hasn’t always been around.

I had gotten a job doing admin work in an office, in the town centre. It wasn’t the most exciting job in the world, but it paid okay, and I met a lovely group of friends there.

                                     

I have been involved in the indie community for several years and have always loved how everyone comes together in support of each other.
I love writing and reading, living life with my family, and always coming up with new ideas and putting then in to practice.

Words have a way of healing someone, so I will carry on writing, included events that have happened and taking you all on a journey with me.

 

   

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